Funny!

My neighbors were just walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday. Both of her parents, Liberals, were standing there so I asked her, If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied.. "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!

Wow… what a worthy goal!" I said . . . But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Conservative party..."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
 
Fawlty said:
Gas.jpg
Click to expand...
... pfffff ...

Me on site, residential home under refurbishment (we're responsible for installing A/C), female future inhabitant must inspect the progress, with her ~2 year old toddler aside, so not really smart to begin with, this is a construction site, open floors, scaffolding, hardhats, safety boots, etc ...

Upon approaching the entrance, she spots a pencil and several sheets of drywall the interior makers had placed there, grabs the pencil and shows the kid

"...here, look how you can draw on the walls with this..."

Me going by mumbling "ouch... not a bright idea..."

she gives me an indignant "And why?"...

I elaborate: "... right so when he's 12 he'll deface other's property like subway cars with graffiti?! ..." went around the corner, continued commissioning the condensing unit... :devilish:
 
The family has gathered to celebrate wheelchair-bound Granny’s 90th birthday. Alice sees the old lady slumped forward and rushes over to set her upright. A little while later Jack sees Granny leaning precariously to the left, so he gallantly sits her up again.


Harold, Granny’s favourite grandson arrives late and goes straight over to the old woman, takes her in his arms, lifting her slightly as he does so and kissing her on the mouth. “I love you, Granny.” He says softly.


Granny sighs deeply and says: “I’m so glad you’re here, Harry darling! The other bastards wouldn’t let me fart!”
 
There were some hikers in Yellowstone National Park receiving instruction from a park ranger. They asked the ranger about the dangers they would face from bears. The ranger told them that there was not much danger from bears, but that each of them should carry a can of bear spray and some silver bells.


The ranger said that most people get in trouble with bears because the bears don't hear them until they are very close and then feel threatened, and attack out of fear. The ranger said that if they come across fresh bear sign, they should jiggle the silver bells to alert the bear to their presence. The ranger said that if the bells fail at scaring the bear off, they should stand their ground and spray the bear with the bear spray if it gets too close.


The ranger said that it was important to identify what type of bear they were dealing with by examining their dropping (poop). He told them that a black bear’s droppings will have berries and twigs in it. A brown bear’s droppings will have fish bones in it.


The ranger concluded his instructions and turned to leave, but one of the hikers stopped the ranger and said, “Hey! You didn’t tell us how to identify grizzly bear poop.” The ranger stopped and casually said, “Grizzly bear poop is the easiest of all to identify. It will have silver bells and cans of bear spray in it!”
 
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