Funny!

List of Funny Quotes and sayings that I stumbled upon.


  1. “I have lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened” Mark Twain.
  2. “Don't worry about avoiding temptations, as you grow older it will avoid you “ Joey Adams.
  3. “Editorial writers ….enter after battle and shoot the wounded”
  4. “What I like about cities is that everything is king size the beauty and the ugliness” Joseph Brodsky.
  5. “If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress? ” Will Roger.
  6. “Blessed be the young, for They will inherit the national debt “ Herbert Hoover.
  7. “ Boldness is to eat at a restaurant without paying the bill, audacity is to comeback there the next day” Bernard Shaw.
  8. “Competence like truth , Beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder “ Laurence J Peter.
  9. “I don't believe in Astrology, I am a Sagittarius and we're skeptical” Arthur C Clark.
  10. “Things will get better -despite our efforts to improve them” Will Rogers.
  11. “An executive is the one who never put off until tomorrow what he can get someone else to do today “
  12. “Never judge a rifleman until you have walked a mile in his shoes…. that way he'll be barefooted and you'll be out of range “ The second Target company.
  13. The loss law state “ with increasing age , memory is the second things that goes”.
  14. “Please come again, but at another time to another person” said by Paul Erdos to his guests.
  15. “I cannot afford wasting my time making money” a mathematian replying to a financial proposal.
  16. “I have lost friends some by death…. others by sheer inability to cross the street” Virginia Woolf.
  17. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and losses hours” Milton Berle.
  18. “ The holly passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money “ Mark Twain.
  19. “Thousands have lived without love…. but none without water”.
  20. “ it's one thing to surmise what happened, but we don't speculate on that until ballistics confirms what happened “ John Hansen.
 
Mary O’Toole was busy with housework in the afternoon, happy singing because Paddy, her husband, had finally found a job and had left for work at the Guinness factory, that very morning.

While doing dishes she saw a man in a suit walk slowly by the front of the house. He paused, turned around, and squaring his shoulders he strode up to the porch and knocked.

Mary wiped her hands and rushed to answer the door. As soon as she opened the door the man asked, “Are you Mary O’Toole, wife of Paddy O’Toole?”

She replied anxiously, “Yes, I’m Mary. Is something wrong?”

The man cleared his throat and told her that there had been a terrible incident at the Guinness factory.

Mary was alarmed, “Was Paddy involved? Is he OK?”

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you that Paddy drowned in a large vat of Guinness.”

Mary almost fainted and had to lean against the door frame. “It were his first day on the job and I was terribly worried about him.”

“I am so sorry, ma’am.”

Regaining her composure, Mary asked, “Did he suffer? Please tell me it was quick!”

“Actually no. He climbed out three times to pee.”
 
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