Funny!

Bungee Jumping In Mexico

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.

Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding.

Again Joe misses him, Al falls again and bounces back up.

This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd...

WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?
 
A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Judy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple, she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(It's nice to see a blond win one, once in a while.)
 
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A British couple is walking down a street in Tenerife...

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Billy's Bar - ALL drinks €0.10'

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

They order a pint of lager and a cocktail, and sure enough, once the drinks are on the bar, the English bartender says, “That'll be 20 cents, please.”

The couple can't believe their luck. They finish their drinks and order the same again. Sure enough, the drinks are poured, and the barman says, “That'll be 20 cents, please.”

Curiosity gets the better of them, and the woman asks the barman how he can afford to sell drinks so cheaply.

The bartender says, "It was always my dream to own a bar in Tenerife, and last year I won £104 million on the Euro Millions, so I opened this bar, and I've got enough money that I don't have to worry about making any profit."

Happy with the story, the couple congratulate him and order another round of drinks.

As the man is supping his beer, he can't help notice three old blokes sat in the corner without a drink in front of them who've been sat there without a drink the whole time they've been in.

"What's the deal with them three over there?' the man asks the bartender.

"Those three are retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price,' the barman replies.
 
A businessman is drinking alone at a bar. A gentleman pulls up at the stool next to him, places a large briefcase on the bar, and orders a double.

The two men chat as they drink and, as they approach the bottoms of their glasses, the gentleman says, "Say, I've got a deal for you. I'll bet you $100 that I've got a tiny piano player in this bag that can pound out a Mozart sonata.”

Businessman laughs. "I'll take that bet!"

The two men pull hundred dollar bills from their wallets and slap them on the bar. The gentleman opens his bag and, lo and behold, there IS a tiny grand piano inside. At it sits a tiny piano player, who nods to the gentleman before launching into a beautiful Mozart sonata.

“Extraordinary!" says the businessman. "Where in the world did you get that little guy?"

The gentleman smirks and places a round black stone on the bar. "An old woman gave me this hippie wishing stone. Give it a try if you want."

The businessman touches the stone and says, "I wish for a million bucks!"

Suddenly there's a deafening quacking as ducks begin to stream through the bar door.

“Hey, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The gentleman shrugs, "You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"
 
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years, too. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home, too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here!"
 
Henny Youngman observations:


  • I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said: Stop going to those places.
  • My wife’s cooking is so bad, we pray after we eat.
  • When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
  • Man walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says: Doc, no one ever listens to me. Doctor says: Next!
  • My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.
  • I know a man who stopped drinking, smoking, and overeating. He was very healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
  • I wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.
  • My uncle was the town drunk. We lived in Houston.
  • Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Because they want to.
  • I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She said: Who is it?
  • I went to see my doctor. Doc, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said: I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.
  • I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, assuming I die by four o’clock.
  • I told my psychiatrist I was considering suicide. Now I have to pay in advance.
  • I went to a diner. The menu said: Breakfast any time. I ordered an omelette during the Middle Ages.
  • Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because they are worth it!
  • My doctor gave me 6 months to live. I said: Doc, I can’t afford to pay you. He gave me another 6 months.
  • My credit card was stolen. I didn’t report it. The thief was spending less than my wife.
 
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