Funny!
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docw1
Bill Rankin
The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch,but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it,of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says “Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"The angel replies “I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?Jesus thinks a moment. “”All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.He tells the guardian angel “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one,mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him.”The angel goes down and gives the message .The guy is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time,jewels could be faked,stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find,fills it with gold bars,and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace,and he does.True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates,suitcase in hand. St.Peter greets him warmly and says “All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"The man proudly opens the suitcase,stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.St.Peter stares at it,puzzled, and says “You brought pavement?”
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docw1
Bill Rankin
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hand
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hand
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
Great variation on the joke with a little old lady who bets her attorney that she will be holding the testicles of a bank president in her hand by noon the next day.
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docw1
Bill Rankin
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding and I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep" says the farmer as he watches the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complains. "Yep," says the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Flies that circle a horse's ass," says the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper asks.
"Nope... I wouldn't do that" the farmer says. "I have too much respect for law and policemen to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
"You were speeding and I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep" says the farmer as he watches the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complains. "Yep," says the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Flies that circle a horse's ass," says the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper asks.
"Nope... I wouldn't do that" the farmer says. "I have too much respect for law and policemen to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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Did John finish the roof yet?
No, but he said he was going to hang around until it was done............