So far, my bestie and I managed to extricate the alternator from the depths of my bike. It took us a day and a half! I quickly discovered the thing was nearly seized. It's bloody lucky it lasted as long as it did, or I might have been 150 miles – or even 450 miles – away from my garage at the time. The diagnosis was that it had been affected by water or moisture, because the stator and armature were jamming against each other. Strikes me as pretty sucky for only 50k miles, although I don't know anything of how the bike was used or stored before me, and it may just be the UK's crappy climate and winter road treatment.
I have a rebuilt unit coming, so I am hoping against all hope that the ECU has survived. The catastrophist in me fears a 300kg paperweight.