Funny!

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Mr. Dithers, a multi-millionaire, decided that contrary to what everyone said, he COULD “take it with him” when he died. He had a terminal disease and wasn’t expected to live much longer. So he liquidated all of his holdings, collected all his cash, and divided it into three suitcases.


Just before he died, he called his three most trusted advisors around his bed - his doctor, his pastor, and his attorney. He told them he intended to take it with him, and gave each of them one suitcase full of cash, with a solemn oath that they would put the suitcase in his casket before it was sealed.


After the funeral, the three advisors were traveling in the same limo. The pastor started squirming. He confessed that attendance at his church had dropped dramatically and he needed some money to repair the roof and plumbing, so he took $100,000 from his suitcase. He justified his actions by pointing out it was for a good cause, the salvation of souls.


Then the doctor started squirming. He confessed that his malpractice insurance had jumped dramatically and he needed money to buy some expensive new equipment, so he took $250,000 from his suitcase. He justified his actions by pointing out it was for a good cause, the healing of people.


They rode on for a while when the two of them turned to the attorney and demanded to know if he had actually put all of his money into the casket. The attorney was shocked and outraged.


“Gentlemen! I am a man of integrity and honor! I’ll have you know that the personal check for $10 million dollars I placed in the casket is good and I will pay it as soon as Mr. Dithers endorses it!!”
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer boobs, ya penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya f* *king little w**kers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough".

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Its the time for politics.’

One contender stopped by the Indian Reservation.
The Native Americans welcomed him, and he decided to give his usual stump speech.
“If I am elected, I will lower the cost of gas and food.”
The listeners smiled and shouted “HOYA!”
“If I am elected I will lower your taxes!”
“HOYA! HOYA!” They shouted, louder.
“If I am elected I will fight corruption and make everything wonderful for all!”
“HOYA! HOYA! HOYA! HOYA!” the shouts got louder, more and more emotional.
“Finally,” he said, “You know I can be trusted with your vote, and will do what is best for all of you!!”
The shouts of HOYA HOYA HOYA could be heard almost a mile away.
He finally finished and asked for a tour of the reservation.
“Sure,” the chief said, “Let’s start by showing you our great livestock barn, the cows and horses and other animals. Come this way to the field - just be careful, though, not to step in the HOYA….”
 
In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns studied their bible well, so they didn't feel worried about this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues' easy pass, steps forward and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
 
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