Funny!

Australian joke……..


Two old stockmen are sitting on the verandah of their outback town’s pub having a beer when they get to talking about the merits of their cattle dogs - and which was the better, more intelligent, dog. They decide to settle the matter.


The younger drover, Bluey (so named because of his red hair), says to his mate, “Watch this”. He then addresses his dog, “Jack, I’m hungry !”


Jack looks at his master briefly and then takes off. Out into the street he runs, turns right and lopes down to Mrs Jones house, into her back yard and wriggles under the chook-house fence. Jack carefully takes a hen’s egg in his mouth and heads off. Arriving back at the pub, Jack gathers some wood, a billy and some water, he lights a fire and boils the egg exactly for 2 minutes for his master. Jack takes the egg out of the water and lays it at his masters feet.


“What d’ya reckon about that ?” says the proud dog-owner, Bluey.


“Not bad”, drawls his older mate, Bruce, as he sips his beer. He turns to his dog and says softly, “Sam, I need something to eat too”.


His dog immediately runs off down the street. About 5 minutes later he is back, also carefully carrying a hen’s egg. He, too, gathers wood, boils the billy and produces a perfect two-minute cooked egg which he lays at Bruce’s feet…….and then he stands on his head.


“Perfect”, says Bluey, “Exactly the same as my dog…….. but why is he standing on his head ?”


“Oh”, says the older man, “He knows I don’t have an egg cup !”
 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous
On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
  1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the ***** out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah big up da God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
 
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